If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free ....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had fourteen kids, but she really doesn’t care.

A reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, some active person in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does. . . . . and you can bet they’ll tell you, too!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat unfortunately are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, but then I regain consciousness (or is it sobriety?).

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! How does that happen??!!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be some special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.